Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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