My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
