My hair reeks of homosexuality.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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