dude i'm inner monologue high
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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