hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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