i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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