I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
