I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
