I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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