I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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