why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
