i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
