I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
