Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
