Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
There are leaves in my underwear?
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