Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
What a dumb baby whore.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
