I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
