If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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