Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i came on her dog
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
