You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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