come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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