mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You ruined the universe
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
