Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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