how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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