so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
