I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
