i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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