9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
