Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize