I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
