What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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