Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize