If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize