Kiss
Puke
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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