first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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