I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
it was like eating out sand paper
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
