fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
