im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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