when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
