I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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