i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
