my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
