It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
