Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
