Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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