and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
