Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
