I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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