I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You pole danced in your parka.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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