I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize