What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
