There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
