new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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