Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
