those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
