Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
