you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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