M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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