Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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