I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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