I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
