His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
